


festival

by akinoris



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Anxiety Attacks, Flashbacks, M/M, Time Skips, i'm sorry keiji
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-25
Updated: 2020-08-25
Packaged: 2021-03-06 15:20:47
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,989
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26101054
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/akinoris/pseuds/akinoris
Summary: “Bo, are you at the festival?”“I feel closer to him here,” he whispers.
Relationships: Akaashi Keiji/Bokuto Koutarou
Comments: 3
Kudos: 30





	festival

It’s not like Bokuto had planned to be here. He wasn’t thinking, drifted away by his own thoughts. He is walking around aimlessly, eyes glued on the ground, steps slow. It wasn’t until a kid bumped into him that he finally looks up to his look at his surrounding.

And then his heart drops.

Ah.

* * *

_“Hey Akaashi, what do you think we should ride first?”_

_“Perhaps the merry-go-round would be perfect for you, Bokuto-san.”_

_“Akaashi! I can ride adults ride too, you know!”_

_There was a glint in Akaashi’s eyes as his smile reached his eyes, Bokuto felt a sudden pang in his chest._

_“I’m pretty sure you can.”_

_“Let’s go ride the cup ride first!”_

_Akaashi’s face had turned pale. “Bokuto-san you just had dinner.” he had warned, but he allowed himself to be dragged._

_Bokuto had spent 15 minutes in the bathroom, vomiting out all his dinner and Akaashi stayed next to him patiently, rubbing circles on his back._

_He had felt embarrassed then as he allowed this first year setter handle him like the big baby he is, but he can’t seem to mind the fact that Akaashi was taking care of him. He had liked it, he thinks._

* * *

“Bokuto where are you?” Kuroo’s voice is static through the phone, worry evident. The sound of the loud festival music surrounding him must have given away the answer when Kuroo says again, “Bo, are you at the festival?”

“I feel closer to him here,” he whispers. Kuroo hears him, loud and clear. It’s silent for a while and he hears Kenma in the background, asking Kuroo where Bokuto is.

“Stay at the merry-go-rounds. We’ll be there, bro. You’re not going to be alone, okay?”

* * *

_“Bokuto-san you owe me 10,000 yen.”_

_Bokuto yelped. “What?!”_

_“Do you not remember anything or did you throw up your entire memory as well?”_

_Bokuto bit his lip and took out his wallet, cheeks pink, embarrassed. “You promised you won’t bring it up.”_

_He heard Akaashi’s soft chuckle but when he looked up, Akaashi’s face was back to that stoic expression again. “I was kidding Bokuto-san, you only owe me 500 yen.”_

_“You scared me Akaashi!” Bokuto pouted and Akaashi hid his laugh behind his hand._

_“Maybe next time listen to me and don’t ride the cup ride after your dinner.”_

_Bokuto lit up at that and Akaashi’s gaze was sharp on him but it’s soft at the same time. “There will be a next time?!” Bokuto beamed and Akaashi smiled softly, and Bokuto felt blessed to be able to see the soft glint in his eyes again._

_“Yes, Bokuto-san.” he replied, voice soft. “Why not?”_

* * *

Bokuto did not stay at the merry-go-round. He starts wandering around, despite Kuroo’s warnings.

He passes the pirate ship, then he walks towards the drop tower, head up in the sky as he hears the sounds of people screaming from the ride.

Bokuto tries to smile, but to no avail.

He then finds himself walking towards the bumper cars, bopping his head to whatever music that’s booming in the speakers. He wants to ride that, he wants to ride every single ride at this festival, but his heart feels heavy and he felt like he couldn’t breathe. His breathing’s stuck in his throat, making him take shallow breaths. He couldn’t focus on his surroundings anymore, his visions suddenly turning dark and then he feels the wet of the grass. _When did he fall down?_

The music’s suddenly too loud, it’s suddenly too hot despite the autumn night air, he tries grasping for something, for _someone._

The world around him is swallowing him and he begins to curl himself on the ground. His white sweater will be filthy and Atsumu will kill him but he couldn’t bring himself to care. He’s struggling to breathe, his throat feels tight, tighter than before and he’s starting to lose consciousness, he thinks. His body’s numb, he can’t even feel his fingers and he wanted to just scream but no voice came out and it’s weird because Bokuto’s _always_ loud.

_“Bo,”_ Bokuto only grips his hair tighter. _“Bokuto listen to me.”_ A hand is gripping his wrist tight, Bokuto almost screams at the pain but all he can do is cry, sobbing and the hot tears is flowing down even more. _“Bokuto, it’s me Kuroo. Listen to me you’re okay, I’m here, Bo.”_

_“Bokuto I’m here.”_

* * *

_“Bokuto-san I’m here.”_

_Bokuto looked up from under the table, and right there in front of him, crouched Akaashi, looking at him. His eyes told him that he’s going to stay there to wait for him. Bokuto searched Akaashi’s face, to look for his annoyed expression, to look for anger, frustration; but none of those expressions were showed on his face._

_For the whole year, Akaashi had not once showed a sign of annoyance towards him and Bokuto doesn’t know why._

_“Why?” he rasped out._

_The sound of the sports shoes on the gym floor surround them, squeaking and stomping and it’s suddenly too loud for Bokuto. He covered his ears, breathing rigid._

_He feel the table he was hiding under being lifted off but he can’t see for sure, his eyes were tightly shut. The next thing he knew, there were hands holding his, softly removing them from his ears._

_“Bokuto-san can you hear me?”_

_Bokuto’s too busy fighting his thoughts to hear, to answer, but the voice is still gentle. “Bokuto-san I’m right here. Please focus on your breathing.”_

_Slowly, he opened his eyes, and the hands were still holding his tightly. Warm, Bokuto thought. Very warm. Akaashi was closer to him now, almost engulfing him in a hug._

_“That’s right, breathe. I’m right here, Bokuto-san, you’re not alone.”_

_“Akaashi,” he tried to rasp out, but no noise came out._

_“Shh, you’ll be okay, Koutarou.”_

* * *

“You’ll be okay, Koutarou.” Kuroo says, helping him breath in the paper bag he always carries in case of, well, in case of this.

“Akaashi?” Bokuto breaths out. Konoha looks away from the scene, focusing on the festival below them instead. Kuroo had carried Bokuto to the steep hill, with much effort and they’re now away from prying eyes and Bokuto feels like he can breathe again.

“It’s still me, Bo. Kuroo.”

It’s silent for a moment and Konoha’s still focusing on the festival below them. Kuroo sits next to him, giving him a bottle of water which he thankfully accepts, gulping them slowly.

“I miss him, bro.” Bokuto whispers. “I don’t know why and how I got here but the next thing I knew I was standing here- Kuroo don’t be mad.”

“I’m not mad at you, Kou.” Kuroo replies as soft as he can, careful not to shake the other more. “I understand.”

“I miss him,” Bokuto stops fighting the tears and lets them flow, burying his face in his hands. “I miss him so much.”

* * *

_“Akaashi I miss you!” Bokuto beamed in the phone and Akaashi had to pull the phone away from his ears._

_“We will meet tonight at the festival, Bokuto-san.”_

_“I’m so excited!!” Akaashi pulled the phone away from his ears again, smiling contently and wide, knowing there were no prying eyes watching him._

_“I am too. What do you want to ride first?”_

_“The teacup ride of course!”_

_Akaashi raised his brow. “A repeat of last few years, I see?”_

_He could hear Bokuto’s pout through the phone. “You promised you won’t remember that.”_

_Akaashi let out a soft laugh, organizing his assignments on the table. He started coughing a little too loudly, hand grasping his chest and suddenly his chest started burning. He could hear Bokuto on the other line, calling out to him but he couldn’t answer. He couldn’t breathe._

_And Akaashi’s world turned black._

_~_

_Akaashi stayed at the hospital for over a week and Bokuto had stayed with him at every step of the way, holding him when the results were too hard to bear, never letting go of his hand and even when Akaashi had left the hospital, Bokuto had chose to stay with him at his apartment._

* * *

“And then I held him close,” Bokuto says, swallowing the lump in his throat. “He suddenly felt so cold, Kuroo. And I keep denying the fact that, he’s.. you know?” Kuroo nods slightly. “I couldn’t even cry for days, like it felt like I was living a lie you know? A lie where Akaashi’s gone. For like. Forever.”

Konoha shuts down his gaming device that he brought as a distraction for Bokuto and joined Kuroo and Bokuto’s cuddling session on their couch. Bokuto stops swallowing the lumps and instead let the tears he’s been trying to stop fall and Kuroo sniffs.

“I miss him so much,” Bokuto sobs. “We were going to _finally_ ride the pirate ship together. I’m _finally_ not afraid anymore but nope!” His cryings are louder now and Konoha couldn’t stop the tears from his eyes as well. “If only I was braver, he could’ve ridden it once. Just _once._ But I was too afraid and _selfish_ and I-”

“Koutarou,” Konoha starts, voice shaking. “This wasn’t your fault. You weren’t selfish. You were the best thing that has ever happened in his life.”

“I wasn’t enough.”

“You were _more_ than enough, Bo.” Konoha wipes the tears from Bokuto’s eyes, holding his face. “Keiji told me himself, you know?”

“H-he did?”

Konoha nods. “I was waiting for the right time to give you this.” Konoha begins to walk across the room where he had placed his bag and begins rummaging it. He takes out a neat white envelope and passes it to Bokuto. “I think today might be the best time to give you this.”

Konoha taps Kuroo’s shoulders who hesitantly gets up to leave. “We’ll be here, okay? We’re going to go through this with you.”

Bokuto looks down at the note, holding it tight though careful to not crumple them. It’s so neat. It’s so Keiji and right there, on the note, is Bokuto’s name, written neatly. With shaking hands, he tears it open.

_Bokuto-san,_

_If you have this letter, well. You know._

_I’m sorry I couldn’t tell you sooner. I’m sorry I had to lie. I’m sorry I’m too afraid to tell you what was wrong with me. It is too hard for me to deal, to tell you, and I know this is so cowardly of me and I truly apologize._

_I can never tell you these in front of you, but Koutarou, you have been the best thing that has ever happened to me and I am_ so _lucky to have been given the opportunity to call you my friend, my teammate, my partner, my lover and my soulmate._

_You have been the best thing to ever happen to me in my life. You have made me forget about my struggles and my weaknesses and I really do thank you with all my heart; for making me forget._

_I love you, Koutarou. With all my heart, with everything in me, and I will always love you._

_Will you still love me or not, that’s up to you, though I suggest you learn how to love others as well. You have the biggest heart, Bokuto-san, I know you can do this._

_I won’t want you to forget me, but I know that’s selfish, and I know that’s not the right thing to do._

_I don’t know what I’m trying to tell you... ah. You make me silliest, and I have you to thank for that. I don’t know what I’ll do without, Bokuto-san. You really make me the happiest._

_It’s been 4 years, and it’s one of the best years of my life._

_You make me the happiest, Koutarou._

_I’m not asking for much, and I know this seems like an impossible feat, considering it’s you. But please, Bokuto-san, for my sake as well as yours._

_Forget me._

_I love you._

_\- Akaashi Keiji._


End file.
